Grumblings from a Transitional Man

Okay, my little Saxettes, did not write a word of 10 days and some of you were already calling out the blog police to see if I was okay. There are those of you who pictured me sunning along a nude stretch of the Costa del Sol, as the rest of the bod strives to reach that tanned face that George Hamilton had to admit was better looking than his own(both face and tan). Others of you had me strolling the casinos in Las Vegas, bleary eyed from making love all night and relinquishing every last bit of human decency begging God for a break with every roll of the die. One of our more creative fans imagined that my legal residence was on 24 hour lock down and I would resurface once the warden gave the all clear.


Well, it's all clear, we have been let out of the cells and away we go.

I have actually been contemplating several aspects of life. The one we will explore tonight is the affect of loneliness on the human psyche. Lately I have slipped and began to feel lonely. Was I actually missing the company of people in my life who, in exchange for occasional sex, were given carte blanch to humiliate me and treat me in a manner that served to validate themselves as a person. When I really contemplated that the Fed Board met more times a year than I engaged in that most carnal of acts(they looked more satisfied after announcing whether the reserve rate was going up or down than I) decided it was not worth it. There is clearly a difference between being lonely and being satisfied to being alone. Loneliness connotes a certain pathos in your existence while being able to stand yourself screams of comfort with the skin God gave you.

Did the feeling of loneliness came from my own selfish desire to feel good that I could have a person around? That was a scary thought and signaled my first realization that I just took a step backwards. While going through the metamorphosis, I had resolved to be alone, get to know who I really am, get in touch with all the qualities that had been leeched out of me, and move forward. But as we meet people, especially those we are attracted to, some have the tendency to slide into old habits and have some person's view tarnish the mirror into which we are looking.

Then it dawned on me! I had become the transitional guy. Oh come on ladies, you know who this is, because you have all used one in the past. he is on the shelf in Wal-mart between the talking fish and the Mr. Perfect string pull doll. He's the guy with the pastel cape and the scarlet letter T on the forehead which can only be made out by humans with a certain estrogen level. This is not the A-Team's Mr. T. This is the after break up guy who is safe. Not the just run to sex guy to get out your anger or reaffirm our desirability. He is good-looking and successful enough to be seen with, has potential to make ex a bit nervous; nice enough that he will not hurt you in the short term; patient enough that he can understand your situation and talk to you; not a control freak, so you can take advantage of the situation and manipulate it, because, of course, you will never let another man tell you what to do; and mature enough to handle it when you tell him to kiss you bye as you utter one of the oldest cliche's "can we just still be friends."

I reflected this Memorial Day weekend on all the past relationships, there was the stark realization that most, if not all, the women in my life were in a state of flux when I met them. After being dogged, they met the nice even tempered, attractive, classy male which was absolutely nothing like the cad who the had been involved with and shazaam, a doomed relationship developed.

So, ladies, when you come across Mr. T, although the natural inclination is to be safe and all the self-help books tell you to use and toss, you may be throwing away the best friend, lover and companion you will ever meet,

So Sez Sax....

Can she stop going out with him? Is she going to take him home 2night?

Writing of leaping off the bandwagon of the routine and taking a positive step may have manifested for one Saxette. The relationship had been ongoing for years with the negative aspects involving alcohol and drugs far outweighing anything this man brought to her life. There is always a problem when Mr. Perfect cannot hang with your friends or family because no one can stand who he is and the horrible way he treated this incredible woman

In order to keep the embers glowing, he would harass, insult and denigrate her to a point that she may have actually believed she was the person he was describing. One of the kickers was his ability to blame these lifelong problems on this woman in order to tap into the guilt she carries inside her as they relate to relationships. This whole relationship has been cyclical, whenever anyone of us judged or criticized her, she became defensive and would encourage us to evaluate our own relationships, each of which was quirky in its own way.

Recently she tried to make another break. He attempted to manipulate her when she was going out of town with her friends by a strategically timed call that included the ex-girlfriend in the background reassuring my friend that the jerk and her were out as just friends. It is an incredibly cruel human being to purposely hurt another for the sole purpose of destroying any enjoyment that the other may have in life that did not revolve around the psycho.

But she got away. Armed with advice from a friend on the my space page, we devised a plan to get out from the clutches of this creep. First and foremost was to get out of the house and keep the mind busy. An empty home is conducive to depression and obsession over he who is not worthy and filed thy cup with misery. Behold, she spent time with a friend and got to know his brother. As they talked, she realized this man who was always around, was an incredible amazing, interesting person. She saw this person for who he really is. She had a great time and kept too busy to obsess.

The following Monday, she received a text indicating that he had moved on and the jerk proclaimed that the relationship was done. My advice was for her not to answer him at all, which thankfully, she didn't. Well my little Saxettes, you know what followed. By Friday he was once a raging lunatic demanding to know what was going on and where he stood. Guys like this are very scary, because they just cannot let go and get angry over being rejected. But as I said, fate would have it, she met a man who wants to listen to what she has to say and appreciates her for her wit, intelligence and beauty. The only hope is that she realizes that she does deserve to be treated nicely, will take it day by day, and will not, repeat will not, in any shape or form sabotage this relationship based on the Groucho adage of not belonging to any club who would have her as a member.

It is not like there are times I refuse to face the facts. As a good friend once said to me, why do we refuse to listen when women tells us what they want. (Sax dating tip 2,345: Ladies, speak clearly and consistently when you have to, we are not mind readers and some have to be bluntly told. You also have a tendency to not totally close a door on the off chance you want it opened one day, which leads to mixed messages and lost sleep.) There are times when we cross paths with people for a certain reason. We may not be ready for one person because we need to learn painful lessons from another. We may also have to learn to wait for someone special because they need to deal with their life at that particular moment in time. This does not mean we become the crying rag, but are there to hold their hand or lend an ear, and offer honest advice.

What is meant to be is meant to be and we should continue to live our lives until that special person sashays or stumbles into our arms,


So Sez Sax......

Happy Mother's Day, 2008

To all the mother's out there, may you be appreciated and treated like you deserve. A mother is a caring nurturing individual who accepts full responsibility for another life. This is a person who realizes the awesome task of raising another and preparing them for trials and tribulations of everyday life.

A mother is more than a biological entity which produced an egg, just like a dad is more than a sperm donor.(find that one on a Hallmark card) There are many women who raise or adopt children who understand what it is to nurture. They accept a responsibility that another was not ready or able to accept. I realize also when women let a child go, they always, for even one second, ponder their decision or wonder where their baby may have gone. They may an important decision for themselves and the welfare of their baby and acted as a mother to protect and place the child in a better situation. There are also those who today serves as a painful reminder of a child they lost, may the universe answer you prayers and bless you with a life you so richly deserve and who deserves and needs you.

So to all, a joyful day spent with the children who love you for you, Happy Mother's day to you Mom. I dutifully called at the crack of dawn and it was nice to hear your voice. May you enjoy your day with your children and grandchildren.

How I Got off the Treadmill of the Damned and Mundane!!! Part One

There comes a time in every one's life when we have to make a choice that will impact us for the rest of our lives. Some of us shy away from that moment, we choose to "stay the course" which seems to always lead to disastrous results. If the course is leading you to the edge of an abyss, as you are hurling down the Mariana trench is not the best of times to reconsider the wisdom of your actions.

Mine came on Good Friday in April, two years ago. As I was considering how to save a disastrous relationship and pondering all the consequences of staying in a loveless marriage, I met the most amazing person. As I sat in this therapist office thinking all the reasons why I did not need to see her, something inside of me said just give her a chance. I was already as rotund as Dr. Phil(how he sells diet books I still can't figure, it is obvious he follows the bigger the suit, the smaller the man philosophy that served me well for years, man I've got to meet Oprah!!) and a serving of unbaked Cheetos or double stuffed Oreos away from a heart attack.

After our meeting, the realization that I was just a carcass housing the remnants of a soul was not too appealing. I knew full well that the two people I treasured most in this life would be devastated if death took me at such an early age, so I decided to get off the Treadmill of the Damned and the Mundane.

Each of us has one of these they keep around. It keeps us at a safe speed, don't even need the little wrist wrap stop attachment because it would be another thing for the paramedics to deal with when they are pushing volts through your chest, and you can take it everywhere!! It's the only thing you can't buy on e-bay because these are tailor-made and built to specs that fit only you and your experiences. you can take it to work, hide it from the boss, and fits nicely under the deep fryer at your job in McDonald's.

But what happens when you decide to get off and live and breathe life like the universe intended? What happens when your partner, who has encouraged you to step back up on this machine every time you dared to take a foot off to wade in the pool of life, starts reacting to this new found idea that spiritual freedom is a good thang.

Well, I have been informed by Saxettes a little bit younger than I, that attentions spans in this new medium just ain't what they used to be, so let's pick up tomorrow night with how I and other's that I know got off the t-mill and where that has led in our lives,

So Sez Sax......

One year ago, I got some news...

While I was strolling through the streets of a certain southern city, my phone rang one year ago, May 5, 2007 at 1:30 a.m. The number I recognized as a family member's who never would call me this late unless it was dreadful news. And it truly was. I was told that our father had just passed, I was in shock. Not that he had not lived an incredibly long and marvelous life, but the realization that this man, who I had taken for granted would be there, was gone. As fate would have it, my best friend was just showing up to the place we were all to meet and I was able to share with him that moment of grief.

The last time I had seen him was three months before and he was his cantankerous self. He had spent an incredibly reckless youth and had the opportunity to travel the world. He was in Morocco when the French still owned it and had many foreign legionnaires friends who died in the same jungles he would, 13 years later, spend a year and one half of his life. There were stories that I would hear with my friends for the first time which were hilarious and stories that I could not make up about his own antics when visiting my newly adopted hometown.

What I will never forget is how generous he was to strangers and his willingness to open his own home to a person in need, offering them refuge and food for a period of months. Whenever I needed help, he was quick to offer, although he had not agreed with some decisions I had made. We never fought, he closest we came was when the "Draculas" as he would label my friend and I would come in at 4:00 a.m. reeking of garlic pizza(covered up any odors) and have my car keys taken. No sweat, I had to work in 4 hours anyways and by 7:55 a.m I was jingling out the door.

When I first saw him, I could not cry, for it was the first time he was at peace. As I delivered his eulogy, I could not cry. I could look into the eyes of my best friend who had guided me in preparing the text and celebrated my father's goodness. My family had not only taken in my friend's mom, but had also offered him the same hospitality. We were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but always were cared for and we learned from him the importance of friends in your life. As he grew older and received news from all over the world about some old buddy that had passed, I saw him slowly drawn into isolation. As grandchildren came into his life, there was a renewal, but age tooks it's toll.

Looking back on the changes that had recently occurred in my life, I can say that at the end, he was able to see his son happy. All my ups and downs over the years, he observed from a distance and refused to judge me. That I will be eternally grateful for and hope to emulate as my own friends and family deal with life.

So, Dad, I lift a glass to you and may your spirit enjoy the freedom it has justly deserved,

So Sez Sax......