What the Hell is going on?

Having been a long time since I have stroked these keyboards, one would have thought your scribe had either paroled or had gotten himself lost on an atoll surronded by Saxettes. Ah, to no avail, it is neither of these romantic ideals, but something much more basic. To put it mildly, I have been in a funk. Not inactive, mind you, but entered a limbo on earth and become a bubble boy of sorts.

After all, if you are to be a pundit of love, there has to be quality material from where you can reach back and pluck gems of wisdom to share with a world salivating for your every word. Looking at the love meter located at the end of this blog(there is an end of the blog), I seem to be the only one waiting on "the word."

What I unfortunately have come to recognize, once again, is the incredible talent that we have as a species to be destructive of each other. Especially those of us who are able to prey on the psyche of others in order to get some type of perverted satisfaction. The pen is not what is mightier than the sword, for now we have resorted to keypads to convey our latest feelings in a series of incomprehensible(for those on the outside) shortcuts and text inspired jargon.

Gossip is a word, when listened to on the white Album may sound like piss og, or a more Manson-like interpretation would be Go piss. The bad thing about this concept is that, like time, it can tear down a building or destroy a woman's face. As any relationship between friends, families, acquintances or enemies, we rely on a level of trust, or the lack thereof to base the level and nature of our willingness to deal with others. When we lose that trust, we become numb to others and wary of anyone else that enters our life. With trust comes comfort and security. Knowing full well that those who are in theory loved ones would never break this bond just for the momentary thrill of being catty and controlling by possessing information on another. Possession of trust is 9/10 of a relationship, but the entire thing can be flushed into sewer wasteland when the bond is broken.

There in lies the proverbial rub my Saxettes, because having laughed at other's expense or done the feigned sign of eye popping interest in getting scoop on another, will only lead Karma to slap you upside the head. Now, as much as we want to deny this, we are all on a rollercoaster of insecurity and relish in the thought of getting trash on some one. In analyzing the kicks we get on Route Gossip, we have to be honest enough to recognize that by our own nature, whoever we are, there is some vicarious thrill on getting the inside skinny. I guess the lesson I have learned is that all the laughs had at the expense of another, come back to hurt much when one who is undeserving fall prey to dirty rumors and innuendos.

So the bottom line is this, Karma does exist and when you open yourself to the universe, expect that she will make sure that your petty meddling in others affairs will be returned tef-fold against you or someone you care about in this world.

So Sez Sax....

Things that make me smile for $100, Alex...

The realization just hit me that my latest foray into the scene has produced the result I needed. As the sweetest soul looked at me and said she was not in the same place, it dawned on me that I had found Nowhere land of Beatles lore. Now, little Saxettes, put away that sandpaper-like dollar store face tissue, because this is not a bad thing.

Sure we all pine for that idea of company in those moments of touching romance as we watch with anticipation, knowing full well Dr. Z will never be busted with Lara or wonder how the hell Rhett just carried a fighting Scarlett up that flight of stairs because he knew what she "really" wanted. After all, it would be nice to have someone who will get off the couch and get that new bag of fire hot Cheetos so you don't miss a scene of mancinema.

But at this time, the smartest move is to get back into myself and rediscover some of the magic I have tried so hard to shed. By day some have all the world relying on them for a million decisions which affects the psyche to the point that the mindless post 5:00 p.m. state into which we are drawn like the prodigal moth guides us to either fast food restaurants or food in those standardized Chinese food containers that they mass produce on Three Mile Island as a 21st century for bodily nutrition.

When we get back into a mindless routine we fail to appreciate what a poet friend has described to me as the uncertainty of the next day. Routine destroys adventure as it fosters the mundane. Without some hint of adventure, even a dip of the toe in the cold, swift-flowing river which is life, leads at the end to the questioning of our existence.

So, having decided that I need to refresh myself and kick back with the trout in one of the o tide pools along this meandering river, we are regrouping. (If sex rears it's ugly head, [way too many metaphors] I may be philosophical, but like Arthur, will take the money and run).

However, what will make me smile will center around: spending the time listening to and making music; watching from both near and afar a musical revolution that will herald the return of crotch moving music; hearing the laughter of the Dementors as we listen to their latest Penthouse letter to the editor adventure; the others who co-exist in my house that leave too frequently; getting news that a people I care about are doing okay and dealing with things on their own while are knowing I am there; that those dark spirits in my life have to wake in the same ever expanding epidermal shell and be with themselves every last day of their life. Let's just enjoy life,

So Sez Sax...

Sax the Weatherman Saves Denver

Well, I was relaxing on a beautiful Saturday during a brief visit to the Mile High City where I had been were invited to the Grand opening of an Art Gallery named in my Honor. Once we got there, I was disappointed that the folks who ran the gallery were not too good on their American and misspelled my name. Not to worry, Saxettes, nothing permanent marker and a black spraypaint could not cure.

As we stood there, a horrible wind blew out of the east and ruffled by head(evidently nothing horrible comes out of the west). Having watched too many hours of the Weather Channel as I channel surfed, I knew that there was trouble brewing...

(Camera fades to a Casablanca type flashback)

My father encouraged me to enter such a noble profession were you have a 50% possibility of being right. His words still reverberate in the recess of my mind ."Damn Good odds boy, can't even get those in Vegas," he would mutter, "plus chicks dig the weather guy." After being told the latter, caution was thrown to the wind and I started out to discover the inner secrets of the world's oldest profession. (Historical Little known fact that the the second oldest, prostitution, relied on the oldest profession to determine the feasibility of being able to go out and practice the second oldest.) Well, when I discovered that science classes were a prerequisite and going outdoors to do live shots in the middle of apocalyptic storms was part of the job, I decided to stay in the sanctity of my home and take notes on how the guys on the tube handled themselves. The only stint I got was a the age of 18, when I was working as a bagboy at the local supermarket and was told to stay outside once to warn the customers about the coming drenching. Mind you, this was years before cable and the WC, but I did me best, after all chicks dig the weather guy. (Afterwards, the only woman who talked to me, holding my bags, as I stood drenched on the last car to Marseilles, was my mother, who scolded me for being a fool and getting sick by standing out in the rain and lightning).

(Fade Back To Present)

So as the Denver torrential downpour was imminent and the crowds began to get restless and panicked, I noticed that one of the stations was doing a local feed from the street corner. I knocked over the bottle of cheap gin and stumbled over to assist.

Hearing the distress in Sweet Anne's Voice and startled by the catatonic state this pending disaster had produced in Mike( Rock of Gibraltar) Landess, I went into action and did my best to calm the nerves of this great American city.





Wearing an over sized, but comfortable shirt, which would pass for a flapping windbreaker on any HDTV, I positioned myself on a deserted country road at the cusp of the storm and began, in a calming Orson Wellsinian voice, to give the play by play. Feeling like Heston parting the red sea, I raised the microphone/lightning rod into the air and damned the storm back into the Gulf of Mexico from whence it came. After almost getting electrocuted when a bolt came to close, I ran back into the over-equipped weather van and continued my broadcast until it became safe outside.



So, having given notice to the front range as to where and when this beast would hit, I slept well that night(still no chicks), knowing full well countless lives and property were saved by my quick bravado in the face of such doom,

So Sez Sax....



(No weathermen were injured or consulted during the writing of this blog)

See People for Who They Are, Not What you Imagine!!

Well, the question has been as finally asked as to why I have avoided, up to this point, the whole idea of on-line dating. A quick survey of my pictures reveal an adventurous man who is willing to fight the rapids of the San Antonio Riverwalk, do a Mexican Hat Dance at Hooters and pay his respects to fallen at the Alamo. After all, If I am all the things that I claim to be in my profile, what more would a woman want! After all, my friends have visited sites that I could not even imagine that cater to all whims, desires and walks of life.

There is the standard Match.com, which has become the epitome of the pick-up world for some of my friends; there is the eharmony, which I did try, but for some reasons was soundly rejected by all the women who looked at my profile; the not so subtle millionaire match and sugardaddy.com(guaranteed that these women who want to meet for your personality only); we have black on white; white on Asian; Asian on Latino; Native American on Columbus Day Holiday lover; Muslim on infidel, Catholics on guilt ridden; and Christian on any non-believer because they are going to hell and who wants to spend an eternity with just one person. Seriously, the list is endless.

What I have found fascinating is the amount of people who, a) are willing to join as a friend once they catch on to the profile being tongue in cheek and b) willing to share some serious thoughts and concerns with such a dapper guy. I though it was always quite the challenge to enter a dark booth with a total stranger on the other side, as you revealed all the fun you may have had in the thirty years between confessions( Had I known it only took a couple hail Mary's and on our Father to absolve a confession that could be reduced down to I haven't stolen or killed anyone, but pretty much violated all the other 8, I would have waited another ten years). But to trust a total stranger on the Internet is an absolute leap of faith. Why are some willing to do so?

As I embarked on this mission to find myself and meet new people, one of the tools I was given by Mdme. M. was to learn how to trust the voice inside of me. You know it well, the one that says get the hell out of his apartment now, leave her or she will make your life miserable, or please don't wake up until I find my underwear. That voice, the one that we have all ignored. Would it no be amazing that everyone we met we did so through a conversation first. The mind's eye could ignore that which the real eye's can't and we would stop those first impressions within nanoseconds of meeting another. That is what makes life and relationships difficult for the majority of us. We are not in our minds, "perfect." We have our perceived blemishes and beat ourselves up about our "physical faults." We are not good enough, smart enough and attractive enough.

As life has steps in and re-directs our energy into other directions, tonight I have for the first time realized that I see people like I never have before. There have been two women in my life recently that I began to believe may have actually had the potential to love me for me and not what I could do for them. In the past, it was my job or the perception of where material life would potentially lead that attracted people to me. At least three women in my past were not shy about using me to enhance their "status." While my friends implored me to walk away, my inner lack of confidence and self worth told me that I was lucky to be with them and I became involved in bad relationships, the last of which has left me in economic ruin. What the real world took from me financially, the universe gave me in abundance the love of two children that will carry me for the rest of my life. I recently celebrated another birthday, surrounded with the richness of friends and family, but once again without the love of a special person in my life(Come to think of it, have never had this).

What has changed in my life for the better is how I see people in such a different way. The most recent person who I must let got was a beautiful woman. I have been repeatedly told about her outer beauty, but I was not able to get past the person I saw inside. Like the one other who quickly entered and exited my life, for the first time I saw people for who they are. Now when I see the my ex's I see the anger, frustration and hatred they carry inside for life and how it has wronged them. At work, I see people that I have known for years and see the most intrinsic beauty in the smiles of people i took for granted for way too long. In my best friends I see the love for one they allowed into their close knit group and have felt the care and protectiveness one would normally reserve for blood relatives(Had to explain what a Dementor was the other night, not so good). There is my friend who carries alot of pain from his past, those that i have met that are a little too self centered, and others who are just trying to get by day to day.

Evidently there are people out there who see a lot more of me in my writings and have looked beyond the dollar store paper sack with the sly smile and perfect hair wave. As my latest attempt at a relationship falters, for now, I can only hope that when all is balanced in her life, she will know I will always be there to listen to her and hold her hand. Beyond her exterior, there is a decent person who does need to be isolated. Which is what I had started to do until my true friends pulled me out for one of my best birthdays ever.

So, let's take a step back and try to appreciate and see people for who they really are, don't try to rescue people but be there for them and help them heal themselves, and look for the beauty in every person, even one with an adorable permanent marker smile,

So Sez Sax...

Out Loud Musings From an Insomniac

Insomnia has enveloped your writer as I struggle to figure out the meaning of life in a world chock full of contradictions. (Hope my lack of sleep in not reflected in my citing every cliche in my repertoire). As I reflect on the changes I have made since leaving the uncomfort of my home two years ago, there comes those times when loneliness won't leave me alone. It is amazing that as we struggle with keeping our children safe, paying bills, fending off creditors and facing the stresses of modern day life, that balancing every type of relationship is what preoccupies all our waking hours. Be it at work or at home, with friends or loved ones, we are always striving to keep ourselves sane while not stirring up too many pots.

There are many times when we take that leap of faith and just hope we can come out of a situation with our self-esteem and integrity somewhat intact. That's exactly what happened tonight and although I have endured the wrath and eye-rolling of two of the three dementors(the third was incapacitated and sedated), making the phone call is sometimes worth it. Although it has been weeks since I have talked to her, there was something inside of me that propelled me to take a chance tonight. So armed with the support of Mdme. C, I decided to run the risk and leave a message. It was very simple: thinking of you and if you need me I am here.

Having had a pretty good run at life even for my tender age, it has been never since I have left this kind of message. As we see people hurting as they come out of horrible relationships, the easy way out will always be to turn our back, remind ourselves that we are not responsible for other's happiness and never dupe ourselves into thinking so. I have beat the knight in shining armor analogy like a dead horse and have no intention on masking my feelings just for the sake of remaining within the circle of trust. Why I am thinking this way cannot be explained, other than to think that for the first time in my life I may have some genuine feelings for another.

Reflecting on the night I wrestled back my self-esteem, got out of bed after being insulted for the last time and laid on a couch in the dark of my office, I took a leap of faith which I knew would lead to financial ruin and hardships for the remainder of my life. But in appreciating the benefits that have been bestowed, I am poorly rich!!

Although I had been always heavily involved in my girls lives, there was a feeling like I was the outsider. Now I see that they were treating me the only way they had been conditioned and once I began to stand, they did so right next to me. Now I look forward to the many days spent listening to them fight in between developing their taste for the Stones and classic films. Like we sometimes do for the sake of family and peace at home, I had let my relationship with my best friend die, but when I needed him, he was right there, no questions asked and no lectures. He will always be my blood brother.

All my friends who tried to talk to me out of my past relationships, but disappeared rather than watch me being mistreated have now re-surfaced. Although I have poorly characterized them by stealing from Harry Potter books (who had "borrowed" from every myth known to man and is now a billionaire), I have been blessed with a cadre of friends who I love and look forward to chasing around a convalescent home 30 years from now. Not to mention the countless people who have now touched my life who I would have never known. Sometimes you just have to lose all to find you.

After a more verbose blog than usual, the point is that although I have come to adore this person and may have developed, for a change, genuine feelings other than a mere rescuer, can't turn my back because so many did not do so when I needed them. A concern is my heart may grow colder as I try to protect myself from more sleepless nights, but that is a chance she needs to take. So, as some Saxettes suggested I have made my call, whether she follows up is now her decision. There are many more factors, that I can never explain which will probably, in her mind prevent her from returning my message, so be it. So long as she is safe, works on getting herself back, re-learns what it is like to be happy, and knows, from a 10 second message, that am there,

So Sez Sax....