Ahhh....the smell of love in the air or I just drove through Swink..one and the same..

My little Saxettes, sure hard pressed to believe that your favorite author would lead with such a negative title. Is he mad, is he lonely, what would cause this student of Eros to cast aspersions at his favorite past time. This would be akin to a steroid dealer refusing to walk into a weight room out of fear that all the naturally built posers would run him out of town. No, I have not gone all Alaskan rogue on you, but as the minutes tick away ending this officially anointed corporate day of love, as the young ladies working lotion stores attempt to scrub the horrible odor of all the fragrances combined out of their skin, and the sensitive women at Victoria's Secrets lay out those garments which, if paid for by a rate equivalent to how long they stay on a body, would bankrupt this peddler of these "why even bother to put it on trinkets" in a matter of days.

The problem, in my rambling mind, is the notion that, not dissimilar to other holidays meant to remind us to behave in a certain manner towards fellow human beings, for many it is a temporary fix. What prevents anyone for showing love and kindness on a daily basis to those they care about. I am not talking about buying the bouquet, or the candy, the card, but just basic, genuine acts of love and kindness.

Just like the other mentioned times in which, from the depths of who know where, we find a sudden rush of sympathy, compassion and understanding for fellow human beings, it all seems to be governed by the Gregorian calender rather than from inside our souls. Basis human kindness towards others is a rare virtue in a world flooded by a media which reports the vile nature of the rhetoric between those who govern our life. The idea of discourse aimed at advancing our society and at least attempting to guarantee all who live in it has been reduced to petty squabbling by petty individuals. We walk around this society more concerned about why we are not immediately responded to by text than examining a remedy for the inhuman conditions many live in as we enter the 21st century, a youth who feel entitled to privileges that most of us in the past were taught had to be earned. These are to but to name a few of the concerns we see in this world.

But within the collective soul of humanity, there are incredible answers to all these problems if we are willing to listen to each other and work together. As I develop more bag lines because of the passage of time, there is incredible hope in a time of despair. If we can only look inside ourselves for that basis goodness that exist in all of us, the answers will come to us if we only listen.

This notion was affirmed as I sat in a pew at one of our local religious gatherings listening to music. As I sat there, one of our fellow human beings who is in a bad way for now sat near me. As he removed his worn and tattered hat and unshouldered a backpack that probably carried everything he owned, he sat there enjoying the incredible sounds that permeated that building. I was there not to listen to scripture, but to see the praise band play, he seemed to be there to get out of the cold and rest. Then, this man, as lyrics talking about forgiveness and redemption were being sung, began to cry. Quickly, the crying turned to sobbing as tears streamed down his weathered face into a beard that was grey and matted. By the time I had returned, one of the older woman seated nearby had given this poor soul some tissue and was wiping these bloodshot blue eyes. And the band played on. I soon realized that this man had brought me to tears as I watched him deal quietly with whatever had brought on this cathartic episode.

Who was this guy? What was his story? Had I no friends in my time of need could that have been me? Had a person bent on my destruction and humiliation been successful, would I have resorted to a life of anonymity among the faceless people on the street? As I watched the look of empathy on the faces of those more affluent but just as human who were seated within earshot of this man, I was hopeful that their care and concern would extend outside the confines of a church and was confident that these people would have done the same if they saw him on the street. Being who I was, when the band stopped, I made like a banana and split prior to the sermon.(Been waiting to use that line from my favorite show for years).

Therein lies faith in humanity, for if this group could transfer this love that generated from their soul for a total stranger, then there is still incredible hope for all of mankind. It is in pockets that we can make a difference if we only make the effort. Even if we do not have all our own wits about, this does not prevent anyone from growing as a human being based upon their interaction with another.

We must learn to unleash our love and fulfill our inherent duties to others while not being tethered to a season for doing so. Giving of yourself and sharing experiences not only enhances the lives of others, but moves you forward in this quest for a happy, fulfilling and rewarding life. After all, isn't that what we are here for?

So Sez,
Sax

Guilt, I got it, yeah baby I got it...not!

The concept of feeling guilty about not feeling guilty is an interesting proposition for those of us entering such a foreign environment. As I sat there and pondered what as to what I had become, a realization returned me to a zen like comfort zone. There has to be a reason why, at such a tender age, sleeping at night has not become the ordeal that most would certainly want me condemned in light of my recent actions.


Well, in reality, when we know in our hearts that the right decision has been made for this point in time, and the Universe delivers to us a message confirming the choice, all can be good. The biggest challenge some of us live with is maintaining balance in a world determined to smash your inner gyroscope. After years of hard work and focusing on a result that will enhance you as a human being, and in turn benefit the world around you, we only have ourselves to blame if we moonstep to a place we do not want to land. If another insists on you following a destructive path, only you can allow yourself to enter that zone. At the same time, if we choose a place where one may not insist us to be, yet, out of some urge which arises out of our inner primordial sludge, we end up there, once again, who really is to blame.

What a wake up call when one listens to the signs and takes steps that moves them forward in life. The wisdom of an act is never viewed in a vacuum, but is clearly illustrated when a series of events then transpires that but for a right decision, the perfection of the universe's plan would not have been revealed. But then, the universe is in total balance.

So Sez

Sax

Affirmation

The One thing you will never see spew from this keyboard ever again is the term Savage Garden. But this band, who is loved by the oldest of my dearest, has a song by this name which reeks of positive vibes. But as all else in life, we have an amazing ability to seek this notion of affirmation, or reaffirmation (if we try to be real positive) through the actions of others.

This is very disturbing when we are in the process of ending relationships. It is a basic human desire to know that you are ok. Hell, there are books even titled in a manner that makes this a holy crusade. But in the end, this is another self destructive path because our self worth is left in the fickle mind and hands of another. Why we empower people who have had a tenuous or even non-existent impact in our life and thrust them into this position is a question we each much answer in ourselves. What is it in our atomic make-up that makes us decide others perceptions are more worthy than our own?

From the time we emerge, we are dependant on others for our survival on an infinite number of levels. We then rely on these around us to then wean us away so we may stand alone. Standing alone in a world that we perceive as cruel and not to be trusted is a daunting task...if you allow this in your mind.

But what happens if a decision is made to view the world in a different manner? What happens to us as people when we develop the ability to view our place in the universe through a positive lens? Will we have the urge to run to another when we end any kind of relationship? The word affirmation, in itself, depends on an outsider saying what is, is true, it is a positive statement or judgment. What if we knew our decisions and thoughts were, in themselves true, would there be a need to ever be affirmed.


It should be obvious that by now the caffeine has hit and the thoughts are rambling, but we as individuals can answer any of these questions to the satisfaction of ourselves...

Se Sez

We love to sing the Blues...

As I carefully lift the perfect Stones verse in order to match my mood, it is time to share some of the thoughts and feelings that have come to define the direction of my life. As my new found friend and I sang our wounded souls out in the one too many tourist traps of the Crescent City, the opportunity to reevaluate my life rose quicker than that oil which was spewing out of the bottom of the Gulf.

After spending 12 years too many with she who demanded the material world, the past few years have served as a continuing education on the nature of relationships. having met all sorts of incredible women who were rebounding more than any offenses in the NBA, I had settled nicely in the role of the rebound guy. While not one to complain from the nice company I was able to keep, albeit in short spurts, eventually something more permanent was bound to make it's way. After all, dying alone is not much fun. I don't think anyone of us really dies alone. This is a myth that is promulgated by nursing homes in order to fill all their beds with the two fer sales more appropriate for a schooner of beer.

Understanding what makes me tick has been the one part that seems to regress when I get "involved" with another. Ever wrap your grease soaked fingers around a unhealthy hamburger on a daily basis and in a month wondered why not even the big boy pants you had squirreled away in the recess of the closet get stuck on your now cellulite laden knees. Well, a funny thing happens to me the way to the altar. By wrapping my life around the issues and tribulations of another which were existed when the relationship started, balance went out the window and the same old Sax reappeared. Rehashing the whole knight in armor thing is getting old, but Marley starts showing up quoting verses from past posts.(Sorry it is Christmas). The blame lies squarely on my burlap shoulders for going down paths from which I have to make a conscious effort to remove the police tape riddled red flags before I transverse.

There are not many blues songs that are premised on notion that I did myself and someone else wrong for going out with a woman who was not perfect for what I need. But this last relationship showed me that if I still overlook what is the obvious, by the time I listen to those sent to watch over me there is a great possibility that I will hurt someone who loves me.
This was not in the plan, but if in your heart there is a loose end, no matter how much you love someone, it could unravel the relationship. We have an incredible ability to lie to ourselves on many different levels and really believe at the time that somehow this will not come back to haunt us.

So, the moral, if any, is that no matter how many self help books you comb through in this lifetime, if at the end you continue to deceive yourself on what will truly make you happy and rely on other fallible humans for this notion, things are not going to end in Disney princess fashion. be honest with yourself and listen to what our inner voice says, don't contort it to fit your immediate need. Only then can you begin to fulfill your own journey, instead of riding someone else's horse to the show...

So Sez,

Sax

I Hear the Hounds...

Yes my little Saxettes, just when you thought that yours truly was going to ride off in a rosy colored sunset as he made his way down to Boca in order to frolic in the sun with the octogenarians, I, like the Phoenix before me, am rising from the ashes and will make this a regular appearance. Swooning season is open as I share with the softer sex(unless you are in South Florida where the tanning oil is being watered down due to the price of crude resulting in more of a rugged, rawhide, leather tanning feel) the deep secrets of what makes a man a man and ladies glad of that.

I Having been to the below sea in New Orleans and seen the light at the House of Blues!

So, the newest journey commences with the sound of other sweep 'er off 'er feeters hot on my trial, as I morally and physically prepare myself to venture into the dark hinterlands of babe world. Please join me in raising a non-date rape laden drink and let us follow the red brick road paved with broken hearts and see what the future holds for this reprehensible lad...

So Sez,
Sax

Reflecting on how I survived a commercial holiday

As that fateful sunday came and went, I felt a sense of relief that I had survived Valentine's Day without any major flashback or disaster. Although I could not help but reflect on the joy and promise I thought this day would hold for my future one year ago, the realization that angels do protect under all circumstances was a relief of sorts. Having spent the day with the two most beautiful young women in the world, I am happy to report that there was a total lack of fighting over computer access. This was due in part on actual use being required as part of hommework and a miracle that occurred when the "slow" computer actually worked.

So how did I manage to not become a clump of depressed flesh yearning for her as I blamed myself for destroying my only chance at true relationship bliss. Very easy my Saxette's, by realizing that the insane pattern of feeling that I had to save had finally been broken and obtaining a zen like balance about thirty days after stepping off a plane from deep in the heart of a southern state.

Well, reality bites hard when you have spent the good part of your life taking responsibility for the actions of others, as you take responsibility for taking respoinsibility for the actions of others. What occurs to me just now is that the last sentence makes sense in a very profound way...

So Sez Sax

How to learn a lesson on love while avoiding lessons

As this past Sunday came and went, I felt a sense of relief that I had survived Valentine's Day without any major flashback or disaster. Although I could not help but reflect on the joy and promise I thought this day would hold for my future one year ago, the realization that angels do protect under all circumstances was a relief of sorts. having spent the day with the two most beautiful creatures in the world, I am happy to report that there was a total lack of fighting over computer access, in part I am guessing on actual use being required as part of homework and a miracle that occurred when the "slow" computer actually worked.

So how did I manage to not become a clump of depressed flesh yearning for her as I blamed myself for destroying my only chance at true relationship bliss. Very easy my Saxette's, by realizing that the insane pattern of feeling that I had to save had finally been broken and obtaining a zen like balance about thirty days before after stepping off a plane from down south.

Well, reality bites hard when you have spent the good part of your life taking responsibility for the actions of others, as you take responsibility for taking responsibility for the actions of others. What occurs to me just now is that the last sentence makes sense in a very profound way. it is only when we realize our own limitations as humans and allow others the opportunity to screw up and learn from their mistakes, do we and them grow as individuals. Saving others also allows us to lie to ourselves by creating a fiction of superiority as we aid the less fortunate. Acting as a savior allows us to conveniently avoid the responsibility of taking care of our own selves. Only when we are whole in soul and body does the desire to save release itself and is replaced by the loftier goal of becoming the kind of person one who is also whole would be attracted to as a partner. Saving others also does not let them learn their own lessons, your "favor," in the long run, does nothing but set that person's soul back.

My life has been an avoidance of dealing with my own issues, but the universe has blessed me with a chance to make up for lost time and get a balance that has been missing my entire life. These are the things that I have known but refused to confront and now relish in the acceptance of who I am and what I can offer. I know that many may think that being stuck in the Tolle ego is no improvement in any one's lot, but where I am is beyond that point. The soul and the body are together for the first time, and the possibilities as life continues as to what will be accomplished are mind boggling. Only in being whole can one give back to the universe and freely accept what is being offered in return.

On a commercialized day where we are reminded to love someone and that only through gifts or other outward expressions of materialistic gratitude do we tell someone we love them, I was reminded by a child with the simplicity of words that I have heard in one phonetic form or another for 14 years. The heartfelt meaning of "I love you daddy" and "thank you daddy" erased even the thought of missing someone who could say the words I love you but not back them when I really needed them. Holding ill feelings against anyone is a waste of energy, especially when you realize that this is who they are and are only capable of what they are capable of at that point in their life. But reflecting on the simplicity of the love of a child, even cloaked in a young woman's body, brings home he true meaning of love.

So, let's reflect on those constants who are important in our lives and influence us in even the most subtle of ways, and let us pray for those who have fleetingly touched our lives and gone, that the path they choose lead them to the happiness they so long for in this lifetime...

So Sez Sax

Why Do Fools Fall in Love

Well Saxettes, talk about a question that answers itself, the notion that we can find that ideal is slowly oozing out of this author's bag. There are several conclusions that we can reach when dealing with such a delicate subject. First and foremost, is that the word must defined. Our society places witou must fake the real yoh this idea the notion that there are duties and obligations, i.e. boundaries, when entering into a relationship. These include such foreign concepts such as commitment, respect, fidelity and responsibility. Love will persevere, but for it to get to such a point, involves a struggle.

Struggle we do, my little Saxettes, as we try to get behind the facades that are created in order not to offend or scare away this potential mate. There commences, what I will call, the ritual dance. Come now we have all performed it, many of us every time we meet the opposite sex. You now how it starts, and taking the risk of sounding like one of those awful callers, lets put our best foot forward and don't take it out, no matter how much you. We will rely on this potential mate's inability to discern our fallacies and do the voodoo, that we have trained ourselves to do, so well, i.e., hide who we really are as people.

I can already here the scoffing from the gallery as those more enlightened of us who are in touch would never play this game, but the honest ones will recognize when the ritual dance begins. As we put up the facade and do out very best James Dean(yes, it's late, and I am resorting to such inane lyrics written by that heartland sweetheart you know by three different names depending on the year of the bad album you bought) while woman use their guile to conceal their real agenda. I finally realized that with my propensity to date the unbalanced, all that is left to discern is where on the DSM IV spectrum does this fair maiden lay.

After my latest foray into the dating world test presented me with someone who truly cared for me, and i believe actually loved me, but still cared alot more for themselves, I had decided to focus on the inner sack and it finally produced results. As charming as I am, there are still life experiences that the Universe seems to throw in my path that collaterally places people who act like they love me to a test. To my dismay, when I needed one to love unconditionally and give me the space and time to deal with another important aspect in my life, they couldn't.
It has taken me a long, arduous, at times humiliating and too many times self-deprecating five month to realize the problem does not lie within me. But being as lucky as I am, have managed to find balance in my life, center my soul with my body, develop an obsession for the sound of a road bike on a desolate stretch of asphalt, meet a Zen Goddess any Hindu Temple would welcome, get my body into some semblance of physical health and welcome into my life totally amazing human beings, each of whom has, in their own way taught me a lesson that has added to my journey.

I realize that I have wandered from the original premise, but the reality is that we can never be fools falling in love, for our inner guide and soul will never allow us to be placed into the position of a fool, unless, or course, we are foolish enough to ignore where she wants to guide us in life...

So Sez Sax...

Freedom on Wheels

As this body struggled to keep its Alpha Male status, it has suffered the slings and arrows of misguided exercising. Thinking that the pain in the knee was a figmant of the imagination, I continued playing tennis until my the other parts of the body could no longer stand the torture and began to shut down.

Seeing that the health care debate was bogging down at the same time my tax deductions dwindled, I made the wise economic choice of forgoing(for now) surgery and changing sports. One of the dementors had allowed me the use of her fine mountain bike and it seemed to have done the trick. Yes, you read right, her bike, but my understanding is that bicycles are adorgenous by their very nature so away I went.

Being tied to a gym had been a disaster and a correlation developed between usable equipment and my diminishing physical abilities. As the dementors continue circle and screech with banshee like glee as they pick apart my choice of female companionship, I have resorted to escaping on this fine chariot. At this age, the ability to bound up the sides of hills while peddling as fast as humanely possible has reinvigorated your author. With more testosorone than should be legally available, I have gone to the hilltop and seen the other side.

So Saxettes, if you are out and about and see me on the side of the road, feel more than free to throw a plastic water bottle or used undergarments my way, either one will be put to good use...

So Sez Sax...

Bubbles.......my new friend

Just when you don't think there are normal people I run into this wonderful human being. Bubbles spends his evening making sure that those having something to celebrate do so in style and fashion. Although he has come to me for love advise, this young stud does not need my input, the master could learn a thing or two from him.

Sporting the latest fashion and making sure to accentuate his positive features with just a subtle dash of makeup, this knave can be seen both galavanting with starlettes on Rodeo Drive and drinking in the Bowery with tea partiers.

Nice to know that there are decent people who understand that looks are everything...

So Sez Sax......

The Fall and Winter of my discontent and then redemption.

Well, looking from the timing on my last installment, it seems that it has been near six months since I shared this fountain of wisdom with those needing to know. To say that I have been idle would be a lie, to say that I have gained an incredible insight into the human psyche, would be closer to the truth, but to shout out "what the hell makes people tick" would be hitting the proverbial nail on the head.

Since we last spoke, my life has been like the rollercoaster at Coney Island. What roller coaster may you ask, the dismantled one would be your answer. I have thought I loved, lost friendships, grown up, and began to open my mind to different people. At such an age to make discoveries is not unheard of, but to be able to be in a position to act and lead a more diligent and productive life is my reward. A reward for what, I have asked. That query is yet to be answered.

What has been learned so far may have far reaching effects.

First, is that you can love your children so much that disagreeing with their life altering decisions may be voiced, but an immense trust must be placed on the inner feeling that the errors of their ways will be self discovered and they can return to you on their own terms having learned a great lesson.

Next, true friendship can't be defined, it just is and trumps any other form of relationships because you truly accept that person for who they are and what they have brought into your life. As with any human interaction, a friendship may teeter every now and then on an precipe of an abyss. Sometimes it feels that one more undercurrent will sweep away a shared past. But kindered spirits who enhance each other's life will never allow natural pettiness to destroy one of the most important gifts life gives you.

Also, saviors of others we are not. Only today I looked into the eyes of one whose pain is still quite evident. It is a shame what people can do to another for the sake of destroying one for some vain satisfaction. But only that person can summons the inner strength necessary to get past whatever turmoil has impacted their life. Many hours were spent with trying to figure out what I was doing wrong without realizing and appreciating the struggle this person was going through. For that I do apologize. For what they needed at the time was a friend, not a substitute for an ex to be(which believe me, would not have been difficult). Could not tell when I saw them today whether they were embarrassed at our chance encounter or had just given up on the fight. But all you can do is bode them well, and feel bad that you placed them in a position which they did not want to be abd from which you could not provide the help they needed.

Finally, that there is a concept that does exist - Love. more than some romantic concept floating like soem nebula in space. It is real and when it is right, it does come easy. We learned of the wrong fit the first time we tried to cram two pieces of a puzzle together whose ends were not meant to be in this world or any other. I have come to the conclusion that these were subliminal test done by some secret governemntal agency to encourage us to try the impossible to be satisfied with the improbable. If we are really honest with ourselves, we have all known for a millisecond when the voice inside was sayning no, but some more growling, carnal imp on your shoulder would yell what the heck. The idea of complete trust of another through their word and actions is euphoric. most of us start looking for the faults on the person our aboriginal people labeled one-too-good-to-be-true...later on this...

So Sez Sax.....

What the Hell is going on?

Having been a long time since I have stroked these keyboards, one would have thought your scribe had either paroled or had gotten himself lost on an atoll surronded by Saxettes. Ah, to no avail, it is neither of these romantic ideals, but something much more basic. To put it mildly, I have been in a funk. Not inactive, mind you, but entered a limbo on earth and become a bubble boy of sorts.

After all, if you are to be a pundit of love, there has to be quality material from where you can reach back and pluck gems of wisdom to share with a world salivating for your every word. Looking at the love meter located at the end of this blog(there is an end of the blog), I seem to be the only one waiting on "the word."

What I unfortunately have come to recognize, once again, is the incredible talent that we have as a species to be destructive of each other. Especially those of us who are able to prey on the psyche of others in order to get some type of perverted satisfaction. The pen is not what is mightier than the sword, for now we have resorted to keypads to convey our latest feelings in a series of incomprehensible(for those on the outside) shortcuts and text inspired jargon.

Gossip is a word, when listened to on the white Album may sound like piss og, or a more Manson-like interpretation would be Go piss. The bad thing about this concept is that, like time, it can tear down a building or destroy a woman's face. As any relationship between friends, families, acquintances or enemies, we rely on a level of trust, or the lack thereof to base the level and nature of our willingness to deal with others. When we lose that trust, we become numb to others and wary of anyone else that enters our life. With trust comes comfort and security. Knowing full well that those who are in theory loved ones would never break this bond just for the momentary thrill of being catty and controlling by possessing information on another. Possession of trust is 9/10 of a relationship, but the entire thing can be flushed into sewer wasteland when the bond is broken.

There in lies the proverbial rub my Saxettes, because having laughed at other's expense or done the feigned sign of eye popping interest in getting scoop on another, will only lead Karma to slap you upside the head. Now, as much as we want to deny this, we are all on a rollercoaster of insecurity and relish in the thought of getting trash on some one. In analyzing the kicks we get on Route Gossip, we have to be honest enough to recognize that by our own nature, whoever we are, there is some vicarious thrill on getting the inside skinny. I guess the lesson I have learned is that all the laughs had at the expense of another, come back to hurt much when one who is undeserving fall prey to dirty rumors and innuendos.

So the bottom line is this, Karma does exist and when you open yourself to the universe, expect that she will make sure that your petty meddling in others affairs will be returned tef-fold against you or someone you care about in this world.

So Sez Sax....

Things that make me smile for $100, Alex...

The realization just hit me that my latest foray into the scene has produced the result I needed. As the sweetest soul looked at me and said she was not in the same place, it dawned on me that I had found Nowhere land of Beatles lore. Now, little Saxettes, put away that sandpaper-like dollar store face tissue, because this is not a bad thing.

Sure we all pine for that idea of company in those moments of touching romance as we watch with anticipation, knowing full well Dr. Z will never be busted with Lara or wonder how the hell Rhett just carried a fighting Scarlett up that flight of stairs because he knew what she "really" wanted. After all, it would be nice to have someone who will get off the couch and get that new bag of fire hot Cheetos so you don't miss a scene of mancinema.

But at this time, the smartest move is to get back into myself and rediscover some of the magic I have tried so hard to shed. By day some have all the world relying on them for a million decisions which affects the psyche to the point that the mindless post 5:00 p.m. state into which we are drawn like the prodigal moth guides us to either fast food restaurants or food in those standardized Chinese food containers that they mass produce on Three Mile Island as a 21st century for bodily nutrition.

When we get back into a mindless routine we fail to appreciate what a poet friend has described to me as the uncertainty of the next day. Routine destroys adventure as it fosters the mundane. Without some hint of adventure, even a dip of the toe in the cold, swift-flowing river which is life, leads at the end to the questioning of our existence.

So, having decided that I need to refresh myself and kick back with the trout in one of the o tide pools along this meandering river, we are regrouping. (If sex rears it's ugly head, [way too many metaphors] I may be philosophical, but like Arthur, will take the money and run).

However, what will make me smile will center around: spending the time listening to and making music; watching from both near and afar a musical revolution that will herald the return of crotch moving music; hearing the laughter of the Dementors as we listen to their latest Penthouse letter to the editor adventure; the others who co-exist in my house that leave too frequently; getting news that a people I care about are doing okay and dealing with things on their own while are knowing I am there; that those dark spirits in my life have to wake in the same ever expanding epidermal shell and be with themselves every last day of their life. Let's just enjoy life,

So Sez Sax...

Sax the Weatherman Saves Denver

Well, I was relaxing on a beautiful Saturday during a brief visit to the Mile High City where I had been were invited to the Grand opening of an Art Gallery named in my Honor. Once we got there, I was disappointed that the folks who ran the gallery were not too good on their American and misspelled my name. Not to worry, Saxettes, nothing permanent marker and a black spraypaint could not cure.

As we stood there, a horrible wind blew out of the east and ruffled by head(evidently nothing horrible comes out of the west). Having watched too many hours of the Weather Channel as I channel surfed, I knew that there was trouble brewing...

(Camera fades to a Casablanca type flashback)

My father encouraged me to enter such a noble profession were you have a 50% possibility of being right. His words still reverberate in the recess of my mind ."Damn Good odds boy, can't even get those in Vegas," he would mutter, "plus chicks dig the weather guy." After being told the latter, caution was thrown to the wind and I started out to discover the inner secrets of the world's oldest profession. (Historical Little known fact that the the second oldest, prostitution, relied on the oldest profession to determine the feasibility of being able to go out and practice the second oldest.) Well, when I discovered that science classes were a prerequisite and going outdoors to do live shots in the middle of apocalyptic storms was part of the job, I decided to stay in the sanctity of my home and take notes on how the guys on the tube handled themselves. The only stint I got was a the age of 18, when I was working as a bagboy at the local supermarket and was told to stay outside once to warn the customers about the coming drenching. Mind you, this was years before cable and the WC, but I did me best, after all chicks dig the weather guy. (Afterwards, the only woman who talked to me, holding my bags, as I stood drenched on the last car to Marseilles, was my mother, who scolded me for being a fool and getting sick by standing out in the rain and lightning).

(Fade Back To Present)

So as the Denver torrential downpour was imminent and the crowds began to get restless and panicked, I noticed that one of the stations was doing a local feed from the street corner. I knocked over the bottle of cheap gin and stumbled over to assist.

Hearing the distress in Sweet Anne's Voice and startled by the catatonic state this pending disaster had produced in Mike( Rock of Gibraltar) Landess, I went into action and did my best to calm the nerves of this great American city.





Wearing an over sized, but comfortable shirt, which would pass for a flapping windbreaker on any HDTV, I positioned myself on a deserted country road at the cusp of the storm and began, in a calming Orson Wellsinian voice, to give the play by play. Feeling like Heston parting the red sea, I raised the microphone/lightning rod into the air and damned the storm back into the Gulf of Mexico from whence it came. After almost getting electrocuted when a bolt came to close, I ran back into the over-equipped weather van and continued my broadcast until it became safe outside.



So, having given notice to the front range as to where and when this beast would hit, I slept well that night(still no chicks), knowing full well countless lives and property were saved by my quick bravado in the face of such doom,

So Sez Sax....



(No weathermen were injured or consulted during the writing of this blog)

See People for Who They Are, Not What you Imagine!!

Well, the question has been as finally asked as to why I have avoided, up to this point, the whole idea of on-line dating. A quick survey of my pictures reveal an adventurous man who is willing to fight the rapids of the San Antonio Riverwalk, do a Mexican Hat Dance at Hooters and pay his respects to fallen at the Alamo. After all, If I am all the things that I claim to be in my profile, what more would a woman want! After all, my friends have visited sites that I could not even imagine that cater to all whims, desires and walks of life.

There is the standard Match.com, which has become the epitome of the pick-up world for some of my friends; there is the eharmony, which I did try, but for some reasons was soundly rejected by all the women who looked at my profile; the not so subtle millionaire match and sugardaddy.com(guaranteed that these women who want to meet for your personality only); we have black on white; white on Asian; Asian on Latino; Native American on Columbus Day Holiday lover; Muslim on infidel, Catholics on guilt ridden; and Christian on any non-believer because they are going to hell and who wants to spend an eternity with just one person. Seriously, the list is endless.

What I have found fascinating is the amount of people who, a) are willing to join as a friend once they catch on to the profile being tongue in cheek and b) willing to share some serious thoughts and concerns with such a dapper guy. I though it was always quite the challenge to enter a dark booth with a total stranger on the other side, as you revealed all the fun you may have had in the thirty years between confessions( Had I known it only took a couple hail Mary's and on our Father to absolve a confession that could be reduced down to I haven't stolen or killed anyone, but pretty much violated all the other 8, I would have waited another ten years). But to trust a total stranger on the Internet is an absolute leap of faith. Why are some willing to do so?

As I embarked on this mission to find myself and meet new people, one of the tools I was given by Mdme. M. was to learn how to trust the voice inside of me. You know it well, the one that says get the hell out of his apartment now, leave her or she will make your life miserable, or please don't wake up until I find my underwear. That voice, the one that we have all ignored. Would it no be amazing that everyone we met we did so through a conversation first. The mind's eye could ignore that which the real eye's can't and we would stop those first impressions within nanoseconds of meeting another. That is what makes life and relationships difficult for the majority of us. We are not in our minds, "perfect." We have our perceived blemishes and beat ourselves up about our "physical faults." We are not good enough, smart enough and attractive enough.

As life has steps in and re-directs our energy into other directions, tonight I have for the first time realized that I see people like I never have before. There have been two women in my life recently that I began to believe may have actually had the potential to love me for me and not what I could do for them. In the past, it was my job or the perception of where material life would potentially lead that attracted people to me. At least three women in my past were not shy about using me to enhance their "status." While my friends implored me to walk away, my inner lack of confidence and self worth told me that I was lucky to be with them and I became involved in bad relationships, the last of which has left me in economic ruin. What the real world took from me financially, the universe gave me in abundance the love of two children that will carry me for the rest of my life. I recently celebrated another birthday, surrounded with the richness of friends and family, but once again without the love of a special person in my life(Come to think of it, have never had this).

What has changed in my life for the better is how I see people in such a different way. The most recent person who I must let got was a beautiful woman. I have been repeatedly told about her outer beauty, but I was not able to get past the person I saw inside. Like the one other who quickly entered and exited my life, for the first time I saw people for who they are. Now when I see the my ex's I see the anger, frustration and hatred they carry inside for life and how it has wronged them. At work, I see people that I have known for years and see the most intrinsic beauty in the smiles of people i took for granted for way too long. In my best friends I see the love for one they allowed into their close knit group and have felt the care and protectiveness one would normally reserve for blood relatives(Had to explain what a Dementor was the other night, not so good). There is my friend who carries alot of pain from his past, those that i have met that are a little too self centered, and others who are just trying to get by day to day.

Evidently there are people out there who see a lot more of me in my writings and have looked beyond the dollar store paper sack with the sly smile and perfect hair wave. As my latest attempt at a relationship falters, for now, I can only hope that when all is balanced in her life, she will know I will always be there to listen to her and hold her hand. Beyond her exterior, there is a decent person who does need to be isolated. Which is what I had started to do until my true friends pulled me out for one of my best birthdays ever.

So, let's take a step back and try to appreciate and see people for who they really are, don't try to rescue people but be there for them and help them heal themselves, and look for the beauty in every person, even one with an adorable permanent marker smile,

So Sez Sax...

Out Loud Musings From an Insomniac

Insomnia has enveloped your writer as I struggle to figure out the meaning of life in a world chock full of contradictions. (Hope my lack of sleep in not reflected in my citing every cliche in my repertoire). As I reflect on the changes I have made since leaving the uncomfort of my home two years ago, there comes those times when loneliness won't leave me alone. It is amazing that as we struggle with keeping our children safe, paying bills, fending off creditors and facing the stresses of modern day life, that balancing every type of relationship is what preoccupies all our waking hours. Be it at work or at home, with friends or loved ones, we are always striving to keep ourselves sane while not stirring up too many pots.

There are many times when we take that leap of faith and just hope we can come out of a situation with our self-esteem and integrity somewhat intact. That's exactly what happened tonight and although I have endured the wrath and eye-rolling of two of the three dementors(the third was incapacitated and sedated), making the phone call is sometimes worth it. Although it has been weeks since I have talked to her, there was something inside of me that propelled me to take a chance tonight. So armed with the support of Mdme. C, I decided to run the risk and leave a message. It was very simple: thinking of you and if you need me I am here.

Having had a pretty good run at life even for my tender age, it has been never since I have left this kind of message. As we see people hurting as they come out of horrible relationships, the easy way out will always be to turn our back, remind ourselves that we are not responsible for other's happiness and never dupe ourselves into thinking so. I have beat the knight in shining armor analogy like a dead horse and have no intention on masking my feelings just for the sake of remaining within the circle of trust. Why I am thinking this way cannot be explained, other than to think that for the first time in my life I may have some genuine feelings for another.

Reflecting on the night I wrestled back my self-esteem, got out of bed after being insulted for the last time and laid on a couch in the dark of my office, I took a leap of faith which I knew would lead to financial ruin and hardships for the remainder of my life. But in appreciating the benefits that have been bestowed, I am poorly rich!!

Although I had been always heavily involved in my girls lives, there was a feeling like I was the outsider. Now I see that they were treating me the only way they had been conditioned and once I began to stand, they did so right next to me. Now I look forward to the many days spent listening to them fight in between developing their taste for the Stones and classic films. Like we sometimes do for the sake of family and peace at home, I had let my relationship with my best friend die, but when I needed him, he was right there, no questions asked and no lectures. He will always be my blood brother.

All my friends who tried to talk to me out of my past relationships, but disappeared rather than watch me being mistreated have now re-surfaced. Although I have poorly characterized them by stealing from Harry Potter books (who had "borrowed" from every myth known to man and is now a billionaire), I have been blessed with a cadre of friends who I love and look forward to chasing around a convalescent home 30 years from now. Not to mention the countless people who have now touched my life who I would have never known. Sometimes you just have to lose all to find you.

After a more verbose blog than usual, the point is that although I have come to adore this person and may have developed, for a change, genuine feelings other than a mere rescuer, can't turn my back because so many did not do so when I needed them. A concern is my heart may grow colder as I try to protect myself from more sleepless nights, but that is a chance she needs to take. So, as some Saxettes suggested I have made my call, whether she follows up is now her decision. There are many more factors, that I can never explain which will probably, in her mind prevent her from returning my message, so be it. So long as she is safe, works on getting herself back, re-learns what it is like to be happy, and knows, from a 10 second message, that am there,

So Sez Sax....

Why Can't We Be Ourselves

Just looked on Yahoo today and checked out a blog on dating advice. The focus of this article was how you can tell if a woman really likes you. Do you guys really subconsciously lick the lips and touch your leg and face as you fantasize that being done by this man you just met? I was thinking that dude, who has appeared on over 2000 T.V. and radio shows, is making a killing stating the obvious and for what? So some genius who reads his trash decides that you are open to his passion fruit just because you happen to wet your chapped lips. Pray tell you display common courtesy and look at someone in the eye as you talk to them, which according to his love god is a sign of complete captivation.

As we dare enter the 21st Century, divorce and breakup rates start hitting all time records, so it is high time we re-evaluate the beginning of a relationship in order to be able to, some extent, avoid that all to familiar bitter end. After all, how many of us have bought a vehicle, be it new or used without at least driving it and abusing it on the highway. We open the hood, see that glistening clean engine, kick the tires to make sure that they stay on, and are immediately hypnotized by that new car smell that has been artificially placed there using some highly toxic ingredients. Then we ponder, consider all the pros and cons, look at our finances and make that final decision all the while being pressured by a complete stranger.

Well, if there was any formula for finding out more about your partner, I believe yours truly has stumbled unto my version of the love secret. While we all recognize the value of establishing a friendship with the other sex, we at times fail to realize that getting a good ride in the passenger seat and watch another drive the car is the key to finding out if this person is Mr./Ms. Special. Once you get over the thought of actually talking with a person without the end all is getting them in bed, it is an interesting experiment.

As I have developed some life long friendships among the tres babes that seem to constantly circulate about me like Dementors, I have come to the realization that getting to really know them has totally deterred me from even thinking of them in any carnal sense whatsoever. Mind you that they are extremely hilarious, are extremely intelligent, very beautiful, great physical shape, and the envy of other women which was evidenced by an extremely sarcastic comment directed at them as we were leaving a fine Denver establishment. (This remark was better suited for the ladies of the night, although one can kinda see the irate female's point when looking at the tight red and orange dresses and fmp's).


But as we all shared a room, I learned even more of who they really are as great people. Whenever we are in situations where the significant other is nowhere to be seen, all pretences are dropped and we all become who we really are. Pretty sad when you think about it!! Everyone is so stuck on the notion that they have to be on their best behavior to impress the current beau, they lose who they are. The comment was made we could not have had this much fun if their boyfriend was around speaks volumes on their current relationship.

Why Can't We Be Ourselves? Are We Cheating the new love out of an opportunity to meet the real us, are we really that bad, and pray tell when are we to finally throw off this mask at the ball and have Princess Charmette discover if she has bought the real goods. Why can't we ridicule ourselves before our partners over the way we snore like a sailor, sniffle as if we are blowing through W.C. Field's nose, or avoid going to the bathroom on the off chance that the new partner discovers we can emit some serious odors after a late night Taco Bell run. Have we reverted back to childhood and treat our partners the same way we acted with our Charlie Brown sounding parents and enjoy being ourselves playing with our friends in the sandbox.

I heard so many sex stories that I felt all those early trips to the Miller Road theatre to catch the last part of the skin flicks before the midnight movie were wasted. We listened to our one friend's phone vibrate and make zzzzt zzzzzt noises because of her refusal to delete her message. While our other friend prayed to the altar of Mother's Little Helper. But we laughed and relished the company of our friends with the closeness of a family.(Could have done without the flashing incident, although, now more, than ever, I could not comprehend the appeal of incest.)

Would it not be orginal to actually get to know the person you are dating. All pretenses out the door, you become good friends, and come to the realization, early on, that you are not sexually, intellectually, physically, or philosophically compatible,

So Sez Sax.....

Asx Sax, Question Numero Uno!

Hey, I just got question and made an attempt to answer, here it goes:


Sax,

OK here goes: I am a fairly decent,single female looking for a long term relationship. I can be mmmm how do i say...sexual in a exclusive relationship. I don't flaunt my sexuality. I believe i have more to offer then that along with that. So my question is why do men tend to head straight for the women(OK i will call them that)who flaunt sex and talk filthy? Is that really what men are looking for and if that's what they are looking for i guess i will be single for a while. I refuse to pretend to be something that i do not think is appropriate just to get a man's attention.

So what's you thoughts on this matter?I really need some help here. And if you have the time could you look at my profile and tell me a man's perspective on that as well?Thanks much...

Anonymous

You seem to already know the answer to the first question. If I may be honest, most men want a queen on their arm when they go out and a prostitute in the bedroom when they are alone.You can also flaunt your sexuality without losing your class. The minute you start pretending being someone you are not you will lose all sense of yourself. People may at times take the easy path and go for the trampy one for several reasons. Men who are not looking for a relationship would not want a woman who is confidant. Can't walk all over someone who has their shit together. Most men, even our age are still dealing with many insecurities that are easily assuaged by the dirty talker. At 40, an easy score means that, baby you still got it.

Turning to the my space page, permit me some leeway to say a couple of things in general. All our beauty radiates from within. While going through some of my hardest times while trying to hang on to a loveless marriage, my very alternative therapist suggested an exercise that I have previously blogged. Look at every woman you see and search for her inner beauty, then go back and look at your wife. Although my ex is very attractive, one week of this exercise and she did not quite look the same. You are a beautiful woman who has much to offer, just try to really believe it!

I am not psychiatrist/psychologist and whatever I say has to be taken with a Dead Sea full of salt. Knock off all the self deprecating comments. You have the guts to get up there and let it rip while 95% of the congregation hides in the pews. Music and singing are your loves, run with them, don't pull the "these kind folks are allowing non-talented pitiful me" to play with them act.

Anonymous, I have not had the pleasure of meeting you, but in looking at the comments on your photo albums, you once again put yourself down. The derogatory comments as you reference your pictures is Bullshit. But this attitude seems permeate all that you have written and even how you look in the photos. A, you are only in your 40's, my best friends are in their 50's and dress to kill. I see women and men our age everyday and always wonder "Do I look that old." When I woke up, as I gained confidence and realized that I had a whole life to live, one of the first changes after some weight loss was a whole new wardrobe. I dressed like my dad and he was double my age. It was pathetic.

Clothes do not make the man, the true person inside makes the clothes shine. My budget after the divorce was nil, but I was able to find enough sales at the right places where I did not dress like the grim reaper was around the corner. I am judging on a couple of pictures and delete me at will, but as I gained more true confidence, that feeling of self worth translated to the way I carried myself. Fake Bravado was gone, natural confidence took over.

So, as people meet me and all my actions expressed to them a person who was comfortable in their skin, that is what people would find most attractive. If I am off, I am so sorry. But I do not know you, only you and the cute man who keeps sending you the sparkling internet roses do, so do not take what I have to say to heart, these are the changes I went through and we are about the same age.

You remind me a lot of me, and I, nor anyone else has any right to say anything. Look what you have accomplished, be proud of yourself. I always slip until I realize the impact that I have had on my kids and those who really count around me. I wish I had the guts to do some of the things you have done, and I am a pew sitter but belt out the tunes much children's enjoyment.

Once I opened myself up to believing my potential was limitless, things changed. You are too good a soul with a beautiful smile and the right man will walk into your life when you least expect it. Talk to your angels, just tell them not who, but what you want in a man, they know what they are doing,

So Answers, in a limited, non professional advice nor potentially litigous way,

Sax...

Bad Eggs

It seems that there was quite a response to the idea that love may be a many splintered thang. From those brave enough to respond, I am gathering that this whole notion of sexes having a tendency to act one stereotypical way or the other when it comes to relationships is a myth promulgated by a self-help relationships industry thriving on us as we strive to better our lives . Realistically speaking, bastards and bitches come from the same kennel, they are only separate by a matter of degrees.

When it all boils down to it, aren't we talking about ceding to another power over your life and once you realize what happened, spending a good part of whats left trying to wrestle it back. Instead of enjoying her life and appreciating herself for who she is and what she has accomplished, one of the comment talks about being minute woman of love and making herself readily available for when the quarterly clarion call arrived. We have all cancelled or didn't make plans with true friends in anticipation of that one date where someone made promises to call by Six. By the end of the evening, we only to end up with self doubt, over-analyzing why we are so unworthy and turn to a medieval variation of mental self-flagellation whose physical manifestation is the chomping of a bag of Cheetos, which in turn leads to trying to figure out what gives with the orange smudged pillow in the morning.

So, why are we so willing to hand over those reins that the universe placed in our hands only? Is it this fear that we all have of being and dying alone. Even those who loudly announce to any captive audience that marriage or relationships are not for them. Aren't they really just trying to convince themselves! At least in my life, the reins were never in my hands, even as a kid. Allowing another to make all decisions takes the pressure off some of us, but it also takes an important part of our being, the freedom to choose. In my experience, this has been true in the full gamut of relationships with others, irregardless of their sex.

So when we talk about rushing off to meet Mr. or Ms. Wonderful because they have decided to grace us with the presence, think twice. Is being involved on a limited basis with this person worth the torture that you will put yourself through or all the months he does not call? Aren't you worthy of a person who is considerate of you because they relish the moments you share. The inner voice has always told you what road to take, but if you are like me we have in the past ignored it, brushing off sage advice handed own through the generations. I have always know in my heart that some people, even women I married, were male or female Veruca Salts willing to suck all out of you to keep their egos happy. Yet, I played my role because I did not deserve better.

Well, frankly, maybe it is time for us to just stop, and hit the bad egg button on some people in our life. You can love them for who they are and what they have brought into your life. Hating them does not do anything but use up energy that could be funneled into more useful endeavors. The realization that only you can cede your life to another should bring about the revelation that you can stop it now.

So, the next time you get that quarterly call, not relinquishing your right to happiness will go a long way in putting you back on the path the universe has meant for you,

So Sez Sax...

Does Love Conquer All??

As I was ruminating with a close friend of mine much to my surprise, the following phrase came booming out of her mouth, "Love Does Not Conquer All." For a second, I felt like Heston's Moses and was ready to fling myself on the sands of the Sinai as YWH was revealing one of the laws of relationships. After all, we had all just been at a wedding the night before and witnessed two people announce their vows of a lifetime commitment before friends and families. Did they mean what they said and say what they meant?


Having a time or two, or three(or was it four, and almost five..but other than my mother, whose counting) made the same ill-fated promises that were destined to be broken, I had to wonder what obstacles and trials we all have to face where the idea of being in love would provide the tie that kept a relationship or marriage together long enough to relish the rewards of aging and be able to both get the senior discount at the same time.


As I consider my own relationships and those of my closest friends, there are at least two obstacles that not even the idea of being in love can conquer. These roadblocks to happiness can be converted to speed bumps only through the realization that you are not there to complete another, but are there to compliment and enjoy your lives together. Completing infers an intrinsic need that should only be met by yourself. Complementing infers a sharing between two people whose souls have connected.

Selfishness is one of the roadblocks that cannot be conquered by love. When we enter into relationships with one who is so engrossed in their own life and activities their partner becomes less than a passing thought, you are set to be doomed. This is much different from those who need to be complimented to enhance their own self worth. The selfish do not consider the relationship a partnership. They are so engrossed in their own here and now that no one else matters. This is one of the ultimate shape-shifters in that it takes on many forms.
The most obvious is the egotistical partner who considers anyone else a lower form in who should be the cowardly lion in their Ozonian presence. This is the guy/gal who sucks your personality dry and then watches you like a hawk or has to always insult you even in the most subtle ways to insure it never returns. The less subtle of these forms is the chronic manipulator whose constant victimization is another form of selfishness and control. You get hooked when you feel sorry for this person in that no one should be so abused, yet one day, when you are trying to leave them, you are now destroying their life no matter how much has been stripped of your own. I have met both and there is no difference in the end between the two.


The other impediment to happiness is the idea of substance abuse. I am big fan of the 21st Amendment and will partake in a nip or two at the local pub. But as I see beautiful people place their life on hold or stop living to help a partner deal with the issue, I find it too frightening. There plenty of times as a child when I related to the Kirk Russell in “Follow me Boys” and did not want my father around. I watched from a flight of stairs as my parents fought over the drinking. The inability of a partner to deal with this demon is devastating, especially when one's own life patterns are changed in order to assist one we love. This is not limited to alcohol, but as we watch a person we care about slip over the deep-end, we are so close to being taken down with them.


Can love ever conquer selfishness and substance abuse? Only when your partner recognizes these issue, admits there is a problem, and on their own takes a real, tangible initiative, can you start on a road towards this goal of happiness. Can it be attained? Only if one truly commits. Part of the problem is dealing with the end results of what living with this type of person does to another. There develops a distance and lack of trust that envelopes you and prevents one who may care from getting close. When that happens, the ex-partner wins in that they are still affecting your future relationships for years to come.


So, do a better job in recognizing these flaws than I and there may not have to be so much explaining of past “mistakes” to a future partner. Learn lessons better than I and don't get involved with the same personality in the future. We all deserve that chance to enter such a fine, healthy establishment as a Village Inn for the early bird senior special, plop down a useless menu from which we have ordered the same thing for the past 40 years, and look into the eyes of one who you would be willing to eat mud just to spend the time with her,


So Sez Sax...