Does Love Conquer All??

As I was ruminating with a close friend of mine much to my surprise, the following phrase came booming out of her mouth, "Love Does Not Conquer All." For a second, I felt like Heston's Moses and was ready to fling myself on the sands of the Sinai as YWH was revealing one of the laws of relationships. After all, we had all just been at a wedding the night before and witnessed two people announce their vows of a lifetime commitment before friends and families. Did they mean what they said and say what they meant?


Having a time or two, or three(or was it four, and almost five..but other than my mother, whose counting) made the same ill-fated promises that were destined to be broken, I had to wonder what obstacles and trials we all have to face where the idea of being in love would provide the tie that kept a relationship or marriage together long enough to relish the rewards of aging and be able to both get the senior discount at the same time.


As I consider my own relationships and those of my closest friends, there are at least two obstacles that not even the idea of being in love can conquer. These roadblocks to happiness can be converted to speed bumps only through the realization that you are not there to complete another, but are there to compliment and enjoy your lives together. Completing infers an intrinsic need that should only be met by yourself. Complementing infers a sharing between two people whose souls have connected.

Selfishness is one of the roadblocks that cannot be conquered by love. When we enter into relationships with one who is so engrossed in their own life and activities their partner becomes less than a passing thought, you are set to be doomed. This is much different from those who need to be complimented to enhance their own self worth. The selfish do not consider the relationship a partnership. They are so engrossed in their own here and now that no one else matters. This is one of the ultimate shape-shifters in that it takes on many forms.
The most obvious is the egotistical partner who considers anyone else a lower form in who should be the cowardly lion in their Ozonian presence. This is the guy/gal who sucks your personality dry and then watches you like a hawk or has to always insult you even in the most subtle ways to insure it never returns. The less subtle of these forms is the chronic manipulator whose constant victimization is another form of selfishness and control. You get hooked when you feel sorry for this person in that no one should be so abused, yet one day, when you are trying to leave them, you are now destroying their life no matter how much has been stripped of your own. I have met both and there is no difference in the end between the two.


The other impediment to happiness is the idea of substance abuse. I am big fan of the 21st Amendment and will partake in a nip or two at the local pub. But as I see beautiful people place their life on hold or stop living to help a partner deal with the issue, I find it too frightening. There plenty of times as a child when I related to the Kirk Russell in “Follow me Boys” and did not want my father around. I watched from a flight of stairs as my parents fought over the drinking. The inability of a partner to deal with this demon is devastating, especially when one's own life patterns are changed in order to assist one we love. This is not limited to alcohol, but as we watch a person we care about slip over the deep-end, we are so close to being taken down with them.


Can love ever conquer selfishness and substance abuse? Only when your partner recognizes these issue, admits there is a problem, and on their own takes a real, tangible initiative, can you start on a road towards this goal of happiness. Can it be attained? Only if one truly commits. Part of the problem is dealing with the end results of what living with this type of person does to another. There develops a distance and lack of trust that envelopes you and prevents one who may care from getting close. When that happens, the ex-partner wins in that they are still affecting your future relationships for years to come.


So, do a better job in recognizing these flaws than I and there may not have to be so much explaining of past “mistakes” to a future partner. Learn lessons better than I and don't get involved with the same personality in the future. We all deserve that chance to enter such a fine, healthy establishment as a Village Inn for the early bird senior special, plop down a useless menu from which we have ordered the same thing for the past 40 years, and look into the eyes of one who you would be willing to eat mud just to spend the time with her,


So Sez Sax...