Grumblings from a Transitional Man

Okay, my little Saxettes, did not write a word of 10 days and some of you were already calling out the blog police to see if I was okay. There are those of you who pictured me sunning along a nude stretch of the Costa del Sol, as the rest of the bod strives to reach that tanned face that George Hamilton had to admit was better looking than his own(both face and tan). Others of you had me strolling the casinos in Las Vegas, bleary eyed from making love all night and relinquishing every last bit of human decency begging God for a break with every roll of the die. One of our more creative fans imagined that my legal residence was on 24 hour lock down and I would resurface once the warden gave the all clear.


Well, it's all clear, we have been let out of the cells and away we go.

I have actually been contemplating several aspects of life. The one we will explore tonight is the affect of loneliness on the human psyche. Lately I have slipped and began to feel lonely. Was I actually missing the company of people in my life who, in exchange for occasional sex, were given carte blanch to humiliate me and treat me in a manner that served to validate themselves as a person. When I really contemplated that the Fed Board met more times a year than I engaged in that most carnal of acts(they looked more satisfied after announcing whether the reserve rate was going up or down than I) decided it was not worth it. There is clearly a difference between being lonely and being satisfied to being alone. Loneliness connotes a certain pathos in your existence while being able to stand yourself screams of comfort with the skin God gave you.

Did the feeling of loneliness came from my own selfish desire to feel good that I could have a person around? That was a scary thought and signaled my first realization that I just took a step backwards. While going through the metamorphosis, I had resolved to be alone, get to know who I really am, get in touch with all the qualities that had been leeched out of me, and move forward. But as we meet people, especially those we are attracted to, some have the tendency to slide into old habits and have some person's view tarnish the mirror into which we are looking.

Then it dawned on me! I had become the transitional guy. Oh come on ladies, you know who this is, because you have all used one in the past. he is on the shelf in Wal-mart between the talking fish and the Mr. Perfect string pull doll. He's the guy with the pastel cape and the scarlet letter T on the forehead which can only be made out by humans with a certain estrogen level. This is not the A-Team's Mr. T. This is the after break up guy who is safe. Not the just run to sex guy to get out your anger or reaffirm our desirability. He is good-looking and successful enough to be seen with, has potential to make ex a bit nervous; nice enough that he will not hurt you in the short term; patient enough that he can understand your situation and talk to you; not a control freak, so you can take advantage of the situation and manipulate it, because, of course, you will never let another man tell you what to do; and mature enough to handle it when you tell him to kiss you bye as you utter one of the oldest cliche's "can we just still be friends."

I reflected this Memorial Day weekend on all the past relationships, there was the stark realization that most, if not all, the women in my life were in a state of flux when I met them. After being dogged, they met the nice even tempered, attractive, classy male which was absolutely nothing like the cad who the had been involved with and shazaam, a doomed relationship developed.

So, ladies, when you come across Mr. T, although the natural inclination is to be safe and all the self-help books tell you to use and toss, you may be throwing away the best friend, lover and companion you will ever meet,

So Sez Sax....

Can she stop going out with him? Is she going to take him home 2night?

Writing of leaping off the bandwagon of the routine and taking a positive step may have manifested for one Saxette. The relationship had been ongoing for years with the negative aspects involving alcohol and drugs far outweighing anything this man brought to her life. There is always a problem when Mr. Perfect cannot hang with your friends or family because no one can stand who he is and the horrible way he treated this incredible woman

In order to keep the embers glowing, he would harass, insult and denigrate her to a point that she may have actually believed she was the person he was describing. One of the kickers was his ability to blame these lifelong problems on this woman in order to tap into the guilt she carries inside her as they relate to relationships. This whole relationship has been cyclical, whenever anyone of us judged or criticized her, she became defensive and would encourage us to evaluate our own relationships, each of which was quirky in its own way.

Recently she tried to make another break. He attempted to manipulate her when she was going out of town with her friends by a strategically timed call that included the ex-girlfriend in the background reassuring my friend that the jerk and her were out as just friends. It is an incredibly cruel human being to purposely hurt another for the sole purpose of destroying any enjoyment that the other may have in life that did not revolve around the psycho.

But she got away. Armed with advice from a friend on the my space page, we devised a plan to get out from the clutches of this creep. First and foremost was to get out of the house and keep the mind busy. An empty home is conducive to depression and obsession over he who is not worthy and filed thy cup with misery. Behold, she spent time with a friend and got to know his brother. As they talked, she realized this man who was always around, was an incredible amazing, interesting person. She saw this person for who he really is. She had a great time and kept too busy to obsess.

The following Monday, she received a text indicating that he had moved on and the jerk proclaimed that the relationship was done. My advice was for her not to answer him at all, which thankfully, she didn't. Well my little Saxettes, you know what followed. By Friday he was once a raging lunatic demanding to know what was going on and where he stood. Guys like this are very scary, because they just cannot let go and get angry over being rejected. But as I said, fate would have it, she met a man who wants to listen to what she has to say and appreciates her for her wit, intelligence and beauty. The only hope is that she realizes that she does deserve to be treated nicely, will take it day by day, and will not, repeat will not, in any shape or form sabotage this relationship based on the Groucho adage of not belonging to any club who would have her as a member.

It is not like there are times I refuse to face the facts. As a good friend once said to me, why do we refuse to listen when women tells us what they want. (Sax dating tip 2,345: Ladies, speak clearly and consistently when you have to, we are not mind readers and some have to be bluntly told. You also have a tendency to not totally close a door on the off chance you want it opened one day, which leads to mixed messages and lost sleep.) There are times when we cross paths with people for a certain reason. We may not be ready for one person because we need to learn painful lessons from another. We may also have to learn to wait for someone special because they need to deal with their life at that particular moment in time. This does not mean we become the crying rag, but are there to hold their hand or lend an ear, and offer honest advice.

What is meant to be is meant to be and we should continue to live our lives until that special person sashays or stumbles into our arms,


So Sez Sax......

Happy Mother's Day, 2008

To all the mother's out there, may you be appreciated and treated like you deserve. A mother is a caring nurturing individual who accepts full responsibility for another life. This is a person who realizes the awesome task of raising another and preparing them for trials and tribulations of everyday life.

A mother is more than a biological entity which produced an egg, just like a dad is more than a sperm donor.(find that one on a Hallmark card) There are many women who raise or adopt children who understand what it is to nurture. They accept a responsibility that another was not ready or able to accept. I realize also when women let a child go, they always, for even one second, ponder their decision or wonder where their baby may have gone. They may an important decision for themselves and the welfare of their baby and acted as a mother to protect and place the child in a better situation. There are also those who today serves as a painful reminder of a child they lost, may the universe answer you prayers and bless you with a life you so richly deserve and who deserves and needs you.

So to all, a joyful day spent with the children who love you for you, Happy Mother's day to you Mom. I dutifully called at the crack of dawn and it was nice to hear your voice. May you enjoy your day with your children and grandchildren.

How I Got off the Treadmill of the Damned and Mundane!!! Part One

There comes a time in every one's life when we have to make a choice that will impact us for the rest of our lives. Some of us shy away from that moment, we choose to "stay the course" which seems to always lead to disastrous results. If the course is leading you to the edge of an abyss, as you are hurling down the Mariana trench is not the best of times to reconsider the wisdom of your actions.

Mine came on Good Friday in April, two years ago. As I was considering how to save a disastrous relationship and pondering all the consequences of staying in a loveless marriage, I met the most amazing person. As I sat in this therapist office thinking all the reasons why I did not need to see her, something inside of me said just give her a chance. I was already as rotund as Dr. Phil(how he sells diet books I still can't figure, it is obvious he follows the bigger the suit, the smaller the man philosophy that served me well for years, man I've got to meet Oprah!!) and a serving of unbaked Cheetos or double stuffed Oreos away from a heart attack.

After our meeting, the realization that I was just a carcass housing the remnants of a soul was not too appealing. I knew full well that the two people I treasured most in this life would be devastated if death took me at such an early age, so I decided to get off the Treadmill of the Damned and the Mundane.

Each of us has one of these they keep around. It keeps us at a safe speed, don't even need the little wrist wrap stop attachment because it would be another thing for the paramedics to deal with when they are pushing volts through your chest, and you can take it everywhere!! It's the only thing you can't buy on e-bay because these are tailor-made and built to specs that fit only you and your experiences. you can take it to work, hide it from the boss, and fits nicely under the deep fryer at your job in McDonald's.

But what happens when you decide to get off and live and breathe life like the universe intended? What happens when your partner, who has encouraged you to step back up on this machine every time you dared to take a foot off to wade in the pool of life, starts reacting to this new found idea that spiritual freedom is a good thang.

Well, I have been informed by Saxettes a little bit younger than I, that attentions spans in this new medium just ain't what they used to be, so let's pick up tomorrow night with how I and other's that I know got off the t-mill and where that has led in our lives,

So Sez Sax......

One year ago, I got some news...

While I was strolling through the streets of a certain southern city, my phone rang one year ago, May 5, 2007 at 1:30 a.m. The number I recognized as a family member's who never would call me this late unless it was dreadful news. And it truly was. I was told that our father had just passed, I was in shock. Not that he had not lived an incredibly long and marvelous life, but the realization that this man, who I had taken for granted would be there, was gone. As fate would have it, my best friend was just showing up to the place we were all to meet and I was able to share with him that moment of grief.

The last time I had seen him was three months before and he was his cantankerous self. He had spent an incredibly reckless youth and had the opportunity to travel the world. He was in Morocco when the French still owned it and had many foreign legionnaires friends who died in the same jungles he would, 13 years later, spend a year and one half of his life. There were stories that I would hear with my friends for the first time which were hilarious and stories that I could not make up about his own antics when visiting my newly adopted hometown.

What I will never forget is how generous he was to strangers and his willingness to open his own home to a person in need, offering them refuge and food for a period of months. Whenever I needed help, he was quick to offer, although he had not agreed with some decisions I had made. We never fought, he closest we came was when the "Draculas" as he would label my friend and I would come in at 4:00 a.m. reeking of garlic pizza(covered up any odors) and have my car keys taken. No sweat, I had to work in 4 hours anyways and by 7:55 a.m I was jingling out the door.

When I first saw him, I could not cry, for it was the first time he was at peace. As I delivered his eulogy, I could not cry. I could look into the eyes of my best friend who had guided me in preparing the text and celebrated my father's goodness. My family had not only taken in my friend's mom, but had also offered him the same hospitality. We were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but always were cared for and we learned from him the importance of friends in your life. As he grew older and received news from all over the world about some old buddy that had passed, I saw him slowly drawn into isolation. As grandchildren came into his life, there was a renewal, but age tooks it's toll.

Looking back on the changes that had recently occurred in my life, I can say that at the end, he was able to see his son happy. All my ups and downs over the years, he observed from a distance and refused to judge me. That I will be eternally grateful for and hope to emulate as my own friends and family deal with life.

So, Dad, I lift a glass to you and may your spirit enjoy the freedom it has justly deserved,

So Sez Sax......

Lovin' Cup Revisited

There are very few songwriters who can evoke descriptive passion as well Mick n' Keith. Their songs can only be described as crotch movin' music, but perfect lyrics drive the message like a stake through the heart. As I was listening to Lovin' Cup for the upteenth time (both the cuts from Exiles and Shine a Light) some of my favorite lines are as follows, but to get the full effect, you would of course, have to listen to the albums:

I feel so humble with you tonight,
Just sitting in front of the fire.
See your face dancing in the flame,
Feel your mouth kissing me again,
What a beautiful buzz, what a beautiful buzz,

This reminds me of how we meet people in our lives and are able at times to share only what seems like moments. There are times when we are able to become so passionate about living and people with whom we share our live. We can vividly picture the times we kissed or held someone and the intense emotion of that encounter, that beautiful buzz that carries us until the next time we are able to share time together. Those able to recreate that feeling whenever they are together and can truly feel that almost psychic connection, are very blessed.

When we have that connection and can feel the pure, unadulterated emotion of the moment, everything around us disappears. You can be standing in the middle of a restaurant in Atlanta, on a sidewalk in Manhattan, or that famous Parisian Street that spell check won't let me get away with, and the entire world disappears. We then live for the next time you can feel that person next to you and able to look into their eyes and see bliss. I have thought on many occasions that I had entered this higher state of love, only to realize the moments were not right or my perception was off base. All I can hope for is that if there is any future potential for an emotional connection with any person with whom my path has crossed, that the universe provide me guidance and that I am able to recognize the moment.

The question becomes how do we keep this emotion alive. Can we have the same passion every time we see this person. The routine becomes mundane, but only if we choose this path. As we worry about bills, the price of gas, sick loved ones, what is going to happen to my future, We tend to take those most important for granted. We seem to lose interest and transform into those poor souls who sit at dinner or in front of a T.V. and utter ne'er a word. This does not mean that there is no love, but life without passion is lived in a perpetual coma. When we do wake from this state we find that life has passed us by and this realization may come at your deathbed.

I have thought on many occasions that I had entered this higher state of love, only to realize the moments were not right or my perception was off base. All I can hope for is that if there is any future potential for an emotional connection with any person with whom my path has crossed or will cross, that the universe provide me guidance to recognize what I have before me.

So, we must always be conscious of our loved ones and their desires. As we walk in the park, we must again enjoy every part of nature and savor thoroughly our existence.(Unless your park has too many of the fuzzy tailed rodents) Only when we realize the happiness in ourselves, can we attain that beautiful buzz that intensely loving another is meant to bring about,

So Sez Sax.......

The Talk, role of the rescuer, Take 567, action....

Now it is time to discuss one of the more dreaded conversation in relationshipdom, "The Talk." This is one conversation which I have always avoided in the past. It is that point where you have been living in a limbo and want to finally know where you stand. My reputation as a heart breaker has preceded me and the mere inference that my at-the-time-babe and I needed some time alone to speak would be enough to make some women pass out in distress.

But there comes that time in every relationship when we reach the crossroads. I am talking about a Robert Johnson type crossroads where your soul can be for the taking unless you can beat your own demons. In a sense, your soul is up for grabs because their are too many people who have conditioned their own self worth on the opinion of others. If the newest in an assembly line of dream people does not want us, what does that mean about who we are? We tend to forget how funny, smart, articulate and personable we really are and replace all these decent qualities with a sense of inferiority based upon how we look. Because, if we are rejected, the package always sells the goods. If you live your life this way, then be ready to be perpetually disappointed.

You all know "the talk": you have met a really nice man/woman, who treats you alot better than the last one(who for some reason, you are still pining over because when they get their act together, life will be grand). The feelings are not there, but people want to know where they stand. As Woody once so masterfully articulated, relationships are like sharks, they move forward or die. The last thing anyone wants on their hands is a dead fish. So should we stay or should we go? One of the first assessments is deciding what role you will both play in each others lives.

There are times when you meet a person so hurting that you feel that you can save them. After all, once you accomplish such a noble feat, they will turn to you and fall deeply in love.(Sax FX at this point, sound of needle being pulled across record. For the younger one's, think of a heavy handed hip hop DJ cutting wax). Reality is that what they may need at that time is a bona fide friend, not a doting puppy. These people are in limbo, in that space, they do not have the emotional capacity to become involved. Nor would you have the stamina to keep up the buddy facade as you listen to their problem while yearning for their touch. So why get involved with someone who isn't there? Rescuers are us is closed for business because they can only save themselves. This does not mean they are abandoned, that would make you a real shit to toss someone because they won't be romantically involved.

As time goes by, they may wake and see you out enjoying yourself and figure out what they missed or what can still be. As you move on, you both may be on the same page one day and discover this soul mate you have been yearning for. You may rise out of your own slumber and shudder as you try to calculate all the time wasted crying and yearning for he/she who was not meant.

When the time comes and you initiate "the talk" with someone who is still hurting, you have made progress because finally, there is some recognition of the limits one has over another's happiness. Do not put your life on hold for another, because only through living will you realize your full potential, and only then will you attract one who desires and loves you as much as you do them. This person wants to share your journey to be with you, and not for what you can do for them,

So Sez Sax.......