Insomnia has enveloped your writer as I struggle to figure out the meaning of life in a world chock full of contradictions. (Hope my lack of sleep in not reflected in my citing every cliche in my repertoire). As I reflect on the changes I have made since leaving the uncomfort of my home two years ago, there comes those times when loneliness won't leave me alone. It is amazing that as we struggle with keeping our children safe, paying bills, fending off creditors and facing the stresses of modern day life, that balancing every type of relationship is what preoccupies all our waking hours. Be it at work or at home, with friends or loved ones, we are always striving to keep ourselves sane while not stirring up too many pots.
There are many times when we take that leap of faith and just hope we can come out of a situation with our self-esteem and integrity somewhat intact. That's exactly what happened tonight and although I have endured the wrath and eye-rolling of two of the three dementors(the third was incapacitated and sedated), making the phone call is sometimes worth it. Although it has been weeks since I have talked to her, there was something inside of me that propelled me to take a chance tonight. So armed with the support of Mdme. C, I decided to run the risk and leave a message. It was very simple: thinking of you and if you need me I am here.
Having had a pretty good run at life even for my tender age, it has been never since I have left this kind of message. As we see people hurting as they come out of horrible relationships, the easy way out will always be to turn our back, remind ourselves that we are not responsible for other's happiness and never dupe ourselves into thinking so. I have beat the knight in shining armor analogy like a dead horse and have no intention on masking my feelings just for the sake of remaining within the circle of trust. Why I am thinking this way cannot be explained, other than to think that for the first time in my life I may have some genuine feelings for another.
Reflecting on the night I wrestled back my self-esteem, got out of bed after being insulted for the last time and laid on a couch in the dark of my office, I took a leap of faith which I knew would lead to financial ruin and hardships for the remainder of my life. But in appreciating the benefits that have been bestowed, I am poorly rich!!
Although I had been always heavily involved in my girls lives, there was a feeling like I was the outsider. Now I see that they were treating me the only way they had been conditioned and once I began to stand, they did so right next to me. Now I look forward to the many days spent listening to them fight in between developing their taste for the Stones and classic films. Like we sometimes do for the sake of family and peace at home, I had let my relationship with my best friend die, but when I needed him, he was right there, no questions asked and no lectures. He will always be my blood brother.
All my friends who tried to talk to me out of my past relationships, but disappeared rather than watch me being mistreated have now re-surfaced. Although I have poorly characterized them by stealing from Harry Potter books (who had "borrowed" from every myth known to man and is now a billionaire), I have been blessed with a cadre of friends who I love and look forward to chasing around a convalescent home 30 years from now. Not to mention the countless people who have now touched my life who I would have never known. Sometimes you just have to lose all to find you.
After a more verbose blog than usual, the point is that although I have come to adore this person and may have developed, for a change, genuine feelings other than a mere rescuer, can't turn my back because so many did not do so when I needed them. A concern is my heart may grow colder as I try to protect myself from more sleepless nights, but that is a chance she needs to take. So, as some Saxettes suggested I have made my call, whether she follows up is now her decision. There are many more factors, that I can never explain which will probably, in her mind prevent her from returning my message, so be it. So long as she is safe, works on getting herself back, re-learns what it is like to be happy, and knows, from a 10 second message, that am there,
So Sez Sax....
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